Preparing

Remember, I was raised by wolves. So, when I was pregnant with Josh, I read everything I could get my hands on about infancy, childhood and parenting. I still do. But, I need to know more for the new baby.

Today, I went to the library and picked up three books related to transracial adoption. When I'm through these, I'll get more. And, I've found some fantastic blogs. I need to empower myself and my famiy. I will deal with prejudice and ignorance in a way that teaches and doesn't attack.

contact!

I spoke to the birthmother last night. She was warm and receptive and smart and confident. The conversation was a little awkward. This isn't a familiar social script. She seems sure of her decision. She placed another child for adoption last August. She's been through this before and knows this is her only responsible option.

Ommmm

The commitment paper is signed and sent. I'm going into this case with a totally different outlook. The blinders were ripped off my eyes and I'm questioning everything. I'm hypervigilant and untrusting. Of course, when I talk to the birthmother, I'll be sweet and understanding...

I need to stay positive. I know myself. I'll soften. Already, when I drop my guard for a second, I get so excited I dance around and laugh and dream of being with our new baby.

Here We Go Again

It's been a while. I was contacted by the agency this week with a new case. I don't have much information about the birthmother or the pre-natal medical records. Her obstetrician wrote "0 concerns at this point", on his report...That's pretty much all I have.

I've got to take this case on faith. The baby is due December 23rd. In Texas, the birthmother must wait 48 hours before she's allowed to sign the adoption papers. That would make the baby mine on Christmas Day.

It's a girl.

I'm ok

This setback threw me off my game for a few days. I went to see my Rabbi yesterday. It really helped. I left him with a "Shalom" and he told me he would say prayers for my family and the baby that will eventually become part of it. By the time I got home, I felt the first real peace I've felt all week.

I'm going to visit friends this weekend to celebrate a fantastic little girl's 9th birthday. I know there will be a bunch of "I'm sorrys". Fine. Let's just get them out of the way and have some fun. I just want to relax and show every one I've moved on, especially myself.

done

Through the agency, ----- asked that I call her this morning. I guess she needed closure.

"I wish you the best. I can't say I think you're making the right decision but it's your choice. I'm very upset and surprised. You were so clear about this adoption and what was best for all. This is what other people want you to do. (Birthfather) will be in boot camp on the 16th. He's gone. You're on your own. It's going to be very, very hard. Take care of your children and take care of yourself. I need to move on. My daughter is still out there somewhere waiting for me to bring her home. Good luck."

Nothing in my life has been easy. But, the rewards have been proportionate to my struggles. I will have an amazing daughter.

My Son

I heard him get up this morning and called him into my bed.

Me: I have some bad news. ---- is keeping the baby.
Him: Really? Wow. Why?
Me: Well, the birthfather showed up and her family is pressuring her and they're all telling her they will help her. She's making a really bad decision but it's her choice. We'll start over. How do you feel?
Him: Well, I'm sad I guess. I really wanted a baby sister.
Me: We're going to get a baby, just not this one. Do you want to cry?
Him: No, I'm fine, mom.
Me: Are you sure? It's ok to cry, my love. I was crying a lot last night.
Him: I'm fiiine, Mom.
Me: How do you feel?
Him: I'm fine.
Me: I mean are you tired?
Him: Yeah, I'm a little tired.
Me: Are you ready for camp today.
Him: Yes, I'm fine.
Me: Ok. I love you.
Him: I love you, too.

On the way to camp, I told him about the baby's condition. "You know we really wanted a healthy baby. Maybe ----- is doing us a favor. Next!"
Him: Yeah, next!