Friday, August 6, 2010

I'm ok

This setback threw me off my game for a few days. I went to see my Rabbi yesterday. It really helped. I left him with a "Shalom" and he told me he would say prayers for my family and the baby that will eventually become part of it. By the time I got home, I felt the first real peace I've felt all week.

I'm going to visit friends this weekend to celebrate a fantastic little girl's 9th birthday. I know there will be a bunch of "I'm sorrys". Fine. Let's just get them out of the way and have some fun. I just want to relax and show every one I've moved on, especially myself.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Through the agency, ----- asked that I call her this morning. I guess she needed closure.

"I wish you the best. I can't say I think you're making the right decision but it's your choice. I'm very upset and surprised. You were so clear about this adoption and what was best for all. This is what other people want you to do. (Birthfather) will be in boot camp on the 16th. He's gone. You're on your own. It's going to be very, very hard. Take care of your children and take care of yourself. I need to move on. My daughter is still out there somewhere waiting for me to bring her home. Good luck."

Nothing in my life has been easy. But, the rewards have been proportionate to my struggles. I will have an amazing daughter.

My Son

I heard him get up this morning and called him into my bed.

Me: I have some bad news. ---- is keeping the baby.
Him: Really? Wow. Why?
Me: Well, the birthfather showed up and her family is pressuring her and they're all telling her they will help her. She's making a really bad decision but it's her choice. We'll start over. How do you feel?
Him: Well, I'm sad I guess. I really wanted a baby sister.
Me: We're going to get a baby, just not this one. Do you want to cry?
Him: No, I'm fine, mom.
Me: Are you sure? It's ok to cry, my love. I was crying a lot last night.
Him: I'm fiiine, Mom.
Me: How do you feel?
Him: I'm fine.
Me: I mean are you tired?
Him: Yeah, I'm a little tired.
Me: Are you ready for camp today.
Him: Yes, I'm fine.
Me: Ok. I love you.
Him: I love you, too.

On the way to camp, I told him about the baby's condition. "You know we really wanted a healthy baby. Maybe ----- is doing us a favor. Next!"
Him: Yeah, next!

how it went down...

The baby was born early Monday, 12:30a.m. at 33 weeks. She is on a feeding tube, i.v. and oxygen. Her lungs aren't ready and she hasn't developed the sucking reflex necessary to eat by herself.

The birthfather showed up as well as -----'s sister. He says he will fight the adoption and he wants her to keep the baby. He hates her other kid's father and thinks if she can keep them she should keep his. He's 21 and supposed to enter the military. While they were together, he cheated on her 3 times that she knows of.

Her sister has 8 kids. Eight. She said, "You can do this." She lives hundreds of miles away with a husband in California. ----'s father, who wrote her off when she got pregnant because he didn't like the boyfriend, has nothing, is diabetic, blind, in kidney failure and living with his son. He cried and told ----- he would help her with this baby...

My Husband

Him: I know. I feel bad too.
Me: Oh, do you? Do you? Are you ok? Do you feel like me?
Him: No, not like you. I'm ok. I just want you to be happy.
Me: Are you sure? You're ok.
Him: I'm ok. I'm really ok.

A Rough Night

She decided not to place the baby for adoption. She can't take care of the three she has now. She's made a really bad choice.

There will be another baby for me.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A tad stressed...

The birthmother is now 34 weeks, 3 days pregnant and 3 cm dilated. Hubby's cleared the walls in the soon to be nursery. They need to be treated, primed, painted and finished with chair, ceiling and floor moldings. He ripped up the old floor and needs to lay down a new one. I still have Josh's crib and dresser/changing table. When I come home with the baby, I'll pick curtains and a crib set.

My mom has always been superstitious about new babies. She passed it on to me. We don't bring things in for the baby until she's here. I understand but, I'm feeling so unprepared.

to my friends and family

My daughter will learn her birth story from me, my husband, and her brother. She will know that you all shared my journey and anticipated her arrival with love and joy.

When she becomes verbal, she may share some feelings about her adoption with those of you she is close to. Listen to her; don't add to her story. If she has questions, you need to tell her, "I'm not sure, you should ask Mom or Dad."