Monday, December 13, 2010

Three More Days...

This time tomorrow, my husband and I should be fairly settled into our hotel room in San Antonio, Texas. If all goes well, I will meet my daughter two days after that. What an amazing gift!

Tuesday, November 30, 2010

drumroll please!!!

Well, the birthmother went to the doctor today. She's very tired and uncomfortable and she feels like she's sitting on the baby. She was checked and, sure enough, that baby is getting ready to meet us! They have scheduled the c-section for December 16th. I've been jumping off the walls, dancing, making reservations and plans and trying not to miss any details...

Saturday, November 13, 2010


Ok. This month is flyingggggg! I know it's not over till she's home with us but I'm getting really excited. The second coat of paint is going on the walls today. I took the pillows off Josh's old glider. They're being recovered and I just finished spray painting that. It's going to look brilliant! I had a dream 2 nights ago. I was in a room holding my newborn baby girl and I could read her thoughts. She was sweet and peaceful and full of love.

Saturday, October 30, 2010

long time no see...

It's been a while since I posted. I've been on a major learning quest. A major theme in adoption is the importance of privacy in the telling of details of the adoption story. Children should not be required to give a reason for their existence in a family upon meeting friends, family or strangers. Yet, it is common for people to ask, right in front of the child, questions about these most intimate details of her life.

Anyway, so far, October has been the longest month of my life. I expect November will last about two years. I have the patience of a flea.

Wednesday, September 29, 2010


Remember, I was raised by wolves. So, when I was pregnant with Josh, I read everything I could get my hands on about infancy, childhood and parenting. I still do. But, I need to know more for the new baby.

Today, I went to the library and picked up three books related to transracial adoption. When I'm through these, I'll get more. And, I've found some fantastic blogs. I need to empower myself and my famiy. I will deal with prejudice and ignorance in a way that teaches and doesn't attack.

Friday, September 24, 2010


I spoke to the birthmother last night. She was warm and receptive and smart and confident. The conversation was a little awkward. This isn't a familiar social script. She seems sure of her decision. She placed another child for adoption last August. She's been through this before and knows this is her only responsible option.

Thursday, September 23, 2010


The commitment paper is signed and sent. I'm going into this case with a totally different outlook. The blinders were ripped off my eyes and I'm questioning everything. I'm hypervigilant and untrusting. Of course, when I talk to the birthmother, I'll be sweet and understanding...

I need to stay positive. I know myself. I'll soften. Already, when I drop my guard for a second, I get so excited I dance around and laugh and dream of being with our new baby.

Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Here We Go Again

It's been a while. I was contacted by the agency this week with a new case. I don't have much information about the birthmother or the pre-natal medical records. Her obstetrician wrote "0 concerns at this point", on his report...That's pretty much all I have.

I've got to take this case on faith. The baby is due December 23rd. In Texas, the birthmother must wait 48 hours before she's allowed to sign the adoption papers. That would make the baby mine on Christmas Day.

It's a girl.

Friday, August 6, 2010

I'm ok

This setback threw me off my game for a few days. I went to see my Rabbi yesterday. It really helped. I left him with a "Shalom" and he told me he would say prayers for my family and the baby that will eventually become part of it. By the time I got home, I felt the first real peace I've felt all week.

I'm going to visit friends this weekend to celebrate a fantastic little girl's 9th birthday. I know there will be a bunch of "I'm sorrys". Fine. Let's just get them out of the way and have some fun. I just want to relax and show every one I've moved on, especially myself.

Tuesday, August 3, 2010


Through the agency, ----- asked that I call her this morning. I guess she needed closure.

"I wish you the best. I can't say I think you're making the right decision but it's your choice. I'm very upset and surprised. You were so clear about this adoption and what was best for all. This is what other people want you to do. (Birthfather) will be in boot camp on the 16th. He's gone. You're on your own. It's going to be very, very hard. Take care of your children and take care of yourself. I need to move on. My daughter is still out there somewhere waiting for me to bring her home. Good luck."

Nothing in my life has been easy. But, the rewards have been proportionate to my struggles. I will have an amazing daughter.

My Son

I heard him get up this morning and called him into my bed.

Me: I have some bad news. ---- is keeping the baby.
Him: Really? Wow. Why?
Me: Well, the birthfather showed up and her family is pressuring her and they're all telling her they will help her. She's making a really bad decision but it's her choice. We'll start over. How do you feel?
Him: Well, I'm sad I guess. I really wanted a baby sister.
Me: We're going to get a baby, just not this one. Do you want to cry?
Him: No, I'm fine, mom.
Me: Are you sure? It's ok to cry, my love. I was crying a lot last night.
Him: I'm fiiine, Mom.
Me: How do you feel?
Him: I'm fine.
Me: I mean are you tired?
Him: Yeah, I'm a little tired.
Me: Are you ready for camp today.
Him: Yes, I'm fine.
Me: Ok. I love you.
Him: I love you, too.

On the way to camp, I told him about the baby's condition. "You know we really wanted a healthy baby. Maybe ----- is doing us a favor. Next!"
Him: Yeah, next!

how it went down...

The baby was born early Monday, 12:30a.m. at 33 weeks. She is on a feeding tube, i.v. and oxygen. Her lungs aren't ready and she hasn't developed the sucking reflex necessary to eat by herself.

The birthfather showed up as well as -----'s sister. He says he will fight the adoption and he wants her to keep the baby. He hates her other kid's father and thinks if she can keep them she should keep his. He's 21 and supposed to enter the military. While they were together, he cheated on her 3 times that she knows of.

Her sister has 8 kids. Eight. She said, "You can do this." She lives hundreds of miles away with a husband in California. ----'s father, who wrote her off when she got pregnant because he didn't like the boyfriend, has nothing, is diabetic, blind, in kidney failure and living with his son. He cried and told ----- he would help her with this baby...

My Husband

Him: I know. I feel bad too.
Me: Oh, do you? Do you? Are you ok? Do you feel like me?
Him: No, not like you. I'm ok. I just want you to be happy.
Me: Are you sure? You're ok.
Him: I'm ok. I'm really ok.

A Rough Night

She decided not to place the baby for adoption. She can't take care of the three she has now. She's made a really bad choice.

There will be another baby for me.

Sunday, August 1, 2010

A tad stressed...

The birthmother is now 34 weeks, 3 days pregnant and 3 cm dilated. Hubby's cleared the walls in the soon to be nursery. They need to be treated, primed, painted and finished with chair, ceiling and floor moldings. He ripped up the old floor and needs to lay down a new one. I still have Josh's crib and dresser/changing table. When I come home with the baby, I'll pick curtains and a crib set.

My mom has always been superstitious about new babies. She passed it on to me. We don't bring things in for the baby until she's here. I understand but, I'm feeling so unprepared.

to my friends and family

My daughter will learn her birth story from me, my husband, and her brother. She will know that you all shared my journey and anticipated her arrival with love and joy.

When she becomes verbal, she may share some feelings about her adoption with those of you she is close to. Listen to her; don't add to her story. If she has questions, you need to tell her, "I'm not sure, you should ask Mom or Dad."

Monday, July 26, 2010


I called the birthmother today to see how she's feeling. She answered the second time. She sounded great. "I feel good. I'm steam cleaning my carpet. My neighbor rented one and said I could use it."

I wish she'd rest. I don't tell her that, though. She has a doctor's appointment Thursday. I asked her to let me know what he says. She told me she's going to the agency Thursday, too. They'll email me copies of the 3-D sonogram. She said one of the pictures looks just like a baby portrait.

deep breaths...

While I was at the Rush concert Saturday night, the birthmother called twice and left a text message asking me to please call her. I didn't get the calls or see the message till Sunday. They were from a different phone number. I tried calling her and got a machine with a man's voice. I felt sick.

My mom and I went to Babies R Us to look at stuff. Before we went in, I called again; she answered. She had gone in a pool with her phone in her pocket while out with her kids. She's tired and her legs are very sore. She runs low on potassium. The doctor had given her some last month. She said she'd have a banana.

I'm not buying anything until she signs the papers. In Texas, this is 48 hours after the birth. My mom bought one thing, though...a tiny nightgown with matching socks and hat for the baby to wear on the flight home. It's white with red x's and o's on it. It's so soft.

Saturday, July 24, 2010

be prepared

At 29 weeks gestation, my birthmother's obstetrician told her she was 2.5 cm dilated and her membrane was thinning. He gave her a steroid shot to boost the baby's lung development. Because she's giving birth less than 18 months after a previous delivery, she's high risk for premature labor. She's now 33 weeks pregnant. Human gestation is 40 weeks but after 37 a newborn is not considered premature.

Wednesday, July 21, 2010

Tuesday...saying goodbye for now

At noon, Josh and I checked out and headed to the agency to meet everybody there. It was wonderful. We chatted till about 1:30, then the owner gave me directions to a great Mexican restaurant downtown in the barrio.

We returned the car at 3. I texted the birthmother. "We're just getting to the airport. Miss you already. Wish I could stay another month but too much to be done at home. Talk to you soon."

Our flight left at 5. We had a 45 minute layover in Atlanta and had to hop on a tram to get to a different terminal. We hadn't eaten in about six hours so we grabbed sandwiches and ran to the gate as boarding was starting. Josh was thrilled to see a TV in the seat back in front of him and watched The Wolfman on the way home while I played some in-flight trivia games.

Joe met us at the airport. It was after 1 by the time we got home. It's great to be home. It was a fantastic trip.


I got up, made us breakfast, showered and packed up. I called the birthmother around 10:30. No answer. I left a message. "I'll be down in the lobby at 11. I hope we're still on." At 11:10, I called again. No answer. I dialed again to leave a message. She picked up.

"I'm sorry. I just woke up."

"That's ok. Rest. I don't want you to get up. I talked to ----- at the agency. She said if you bring the sonogram pictures down there, they will scan them for us and email them to me."

"Oh, that's great. I'll do that."

"Ok. Go back to sleep. Take care of yourself. Rest!"

"Ok. You, too. Be careful. See you, soon."


Josh and I got to Seaworld for its 10 a.m. opening. He's a rollercoaster nut. We ran right to the Steel Eel. It was insane. I went on the first time; he rode it at least 15 times. We went on lots of rides, ate park food until I thought I was going to die, saw some beautiful shows and got back to our suite at 9 that night absolutely exhausted.

Meeting the birthmother

She walked into the lobby at 5 in a lovely white sundress, hair back, fresh and smiling. She is exactly who I knew she is. We sat in the lobby talking for over an hour then headed out for seafood. I took pictures of her, her and Josh; Josh took some of her and I; a hostess took pictures of the three of us. I feel like I've always known her.

Back at the hotel, the three of us sat in the lobby again and talked some more. Before we knew it, it was 11 o'clock. Josh and I were heading out early for Seaworld in the morning, so reluctantly, we said our goodnights.

We made plans to meet in the lobby at 11 a.m. Tuesday so we could make copies of the sonogram pictures for me before Josh and I headed home that afternoon.

Later Sunday 7/18

Around 2:00, my phone rang. "Hi,-----! How are you? Are you ok? I've been trying to reach you. I thought you might be at the hospital."

"Oh, I'm fine. A friend of mine had a party last night and I let her use my house. My phone was in my car. I just woke up. I saw you called a couple of times, so I called you right away."

"I was thinking you could meet us in the lobby at 5 and then we could go to dinner after."

"5 is perfect. Give me directions."

I've decided that she is preparing me for a girl...

Sunday...the adventure continues...

San Antonio in July is a roaring furnace. If you dare to light a match, the city will instantly combust. The Alamo opened for us tourist types at 10; we left the hotel at 9:30. It's a beautiful city. We toured, took pictures, shopped a little, Josh had a huge milkshake. We headed back before 11.

Josh jumped in the pool; I called the birthmother. She didn't answer. I left a message. "Hi! We're here. I was thinking you can meet us in the lobby at 5 and we can go from there. Give me a call back..."

One o'clock. I took him to Wendy's for lunch. I don't eat fast food. I ordered a grilled chicken sandwich. I don't know what it was, but it wasn't chicken. Josh had a burger and fries. He loved it. While he ate, I dialed the birthmother again. No answer. I texted Joe. I was acting real casual, but if Josh wasn't there, I would have been in tears. Joe called me sensing my imminent breakdown. "People are different in the South, laid back. She'll show up." He calmed me down.

Traveling Day 1-Sat. 7/17

At 4:30 a.m., Josh and I left for hubby's firehouse in Queens, left the car and the dog with him, and took a taxi to JFK. We had a long layover in Atlanta so I arranged to meet a friend there for lunch. Thanks, Kev, was great! Our flight left late. We arrived in San Antonio about 4, picked up our car (a brand new Dodge Charger...Josh wants one), and got to the hotel about 5. Unpacked, Josh flushed the toilet wouldn't stop filling...the room started to flood...grabbed our stuff and moved down the hall. We laughed our giddy butts off.

I dragged Josh to the supermarket. We scarfed down some food at the suite. Josh jumped in the shower. I called the birthmother to tell her we arrived and firm up plans for Sunday. A young man answered; I left a message. We checked out the pool, watched some TV and passed out. The birthmother didn't call me back that night.

Friday, July 16, 2010

ready, set

We leave at an un-G-dly hour tomorrow morning. Josh and I are very excited. We're going to tour the Alamo, Sunday. He learned about it in school. Monday, its Seaworld. I printed out the map, feeding and show times. We'll be going nonstop for twelve hours. It's 90,000 degrees in San Antonio. I'm sure we'll spend most of the time in the water park.

Shrek and Donkey, off on a whirlwind adventure!

Tuesday, July 13, 2010

preparing for this meeting

It's hard to sleep. I'm having crazy dreams. I know it will be fine but I'm nervous. I want it to go smoothly, for my son's sake.

I think I'll bring some home pictures to show her and a little gift, some showery soapy stuff. I'm hoping she'll come meet us at the hotel suite for a little while and then we'll take her out for food.

My mom is afraid. She was there when I lost my baby girl years ago. The nurse thought I had a couple of more hours of labor; it was my mom who delivered my daughter. She was also the one who gave me a kidney when I needed it. She's seen me suffer and can't bear the possibility of another loss. I tell her I can handle it.

Monday, July 12, 2010

some relief today

A woman from the agency called to give me a new phone number for the birthmother. She's not using the other number anymore. I spoke to her and she's ready to meet us Sunday.

Thrilled and Anxious

We had a huge pool party/bbq this weekend. Almost all the people I love were there. They can't wait for this baby. We talked about what I'll need when I get home and who can babysit first. Their support and joy is overwhelming.

The birthmother hasn't been answering her phone. My son and I are heading out there Saturday. We'll be there for three days. I'm hoping to take her to dinner Sunday night. I wish she'd answer her phone.

Tuesday, July 6, 2010

Comments and questions

These are some of the things that have been said to me by actual people.

What is it?
Where are you getting it?
How much does she cost?
At least it's not from Africa.
So, it's a white baby, right?
Well, that's good you're ok with that.
She'll probably be pretty when she's older.

This baby hasn't even been born yet.

Sunday, July 4, 2010

we'll find a cool pool...

I spoke with the birthmother again last night. She went to the hospital the other day with a sinus infection. They gave her meds and did some kind of 3D scan of the baby. They told her the baby is 6 lbs and she's still two months from her due date. Her children were all big babies. She said she's comfortable with our coming to visit.

Saturday, July 3, 2010

the waiting

I haven't been able to contact the birthmother since that first conversation. I left a message. I want to go out there for a couple of days. The woman at the agency suggested I visit and also told me it's not uncommon to lose contact for days with the birthmother. She said "It can be frustrating"...

Josh wants to come. He's excited about the plane ride. It would be good to spend some one on one time with him. If this baby comes, our lives will be turned upside down for a while. I told him we'd do some sightseeing, stop by the agency and take the birthmother out to lunch or something. He hopes the hotel has a cool pool.

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Yes, contact!

She was sleeping when I called Monday and working when I called Tuesday. I talked to her today. It was a little awkward at first but then it was as if the gates had opened. She told me all about her family, her children, her ex, the birthfather, her friends, her feelings. It was amazing. She's so open and smart and strong. She reminds me of me. We'll be talking a lot.

I'm thinking I'm going to fly out to see her at the end of July.


For the past two nights, I've tried calling the birthmother a couple of times. There's been no answer. Maybe she's out. I don't know if it's a cell phone or a home phone. Maybe she's sleeping. I know she's exhausted with the pregnancy and life with three little ones. I'm trying not to jump to any conclusions. I could drive myself crazier.

Monday, June 28, 2010

it's on

This morning I called the agency and accepted the case. I'm thrilled and crazed and I don't know what to do with myself. They gave me the birthmother's phone number and said I could call her this evening. I'm really nervous. I don't want to sound nervous over the phone. I'm sure she is too. I know she is sad. I wish I could talk to her face to face and give her a hug and hold her hand through the rest of this. She has other children by a different father. Her youngest is not even a year old. I've seen a picture of her with them. They all look happy and loved. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for her. She wants the best for this baby. I am in awe of this woman.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

more on that...

There were a bunch of numbers and a short note. The sonogram was done late in the pregnancy. They are usually done at 20 weeks; this was done at 30. The note says the fetus is large for gestational age and there is concern of threatened labor. I ran over to my neighbor's and faxed it to my Ob-Gyn hoping she might still be in the office. While I was there I looked up threatened labor and found it to be a generic term meaning that for various reasons the baby may be delivered pre-term.

My cell phone rang while I was still at Stef's at 3:43. It was my doctor. She saw nothing alarming on the sonogram. The most concerning measurements are in the normal range. The threatened labor is probably related to the birthmother's stress. I do not know how to thank my doctor. I am committing to this adoption plan. We're expecting a baby girl in September.

the sonogram

I got a phone call from the woman at the agency at 1 o'clock yesterday telling me they received the sonogram records and would have them in my email file by the end of the day. I asked her if she read it, if she could tell me anything. She started rambling. I heard the words "very large", "---- says she's seen this before", "in all her years at the agency doesn't think it's a problem", "I'm not a doctor, so I really can't say", "you should take it to your doctor", "we need a commitment by Tuesday".

I was not reassured. I asked her to try to get me the sonogram as soon as she could because my doctor's office closes at 3. She said she would ask the person who sends them. At 3:00, I got the email.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

the dreaded AFP test...

Between 15 and 17 weeks, a pregnant woman gets a blood test to screen for certain birth defects. The numbers thrown at you are mind-numbing. The test itself has at most 80% accuracy in its statistical results. The very limited medical records I received yesterday showed that my birthmother has a 1:200 chance of delivering a baby with Down's Syndrome. I stare at this number and my mind goes blank.

I took the whole thing over to my OB-GYN's office. She was not concerned with the number. She says there are many false positives in normal pregnancies and plenty of normal screens in abnormal pregnancies. She told me to get the sonogram records. The woman at the adoption agency who handles this was out with a family emergency. Lalalala.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's been a week since I first heard from the adoption agency. I don't know any more than I knew then. My brain is leaking out of my ears. They're going to email me some medical info on the birthmother's pre-natal care any day now.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

getting healthy

Let's get up to speed. Recovery from a kidney transplant takes a good six months. I came home with about 60 metal staples in the shape of a shark bite on my belly. There were loads of meds. I'll need to take serious immuno-suppressants forever. Who cares? No dialysis! Woo! I healed. I still felt like crap. After all those toxic years, I was in really bad shape. I'd started eating mostly organic with my first pregnancy. Now, without all these dietary and physical restrictions, I focus on nutrition and keeping my butt in shape.

When I was so sick for all those years, I pretty much gave up the idea of ever having a second child so I told everybody I only wanted one. They had to give me a partial hysterectomy after Josh was born because another pregnancy was not an option and I didn't think I'd ever be healthy enough to be eligible to adopt. I am now. You are up to speed.

new mommy new kidney

I had just crazy love for this child. My kidney function bounced back for a while after his birth. Then, it slowly began to deteriorate. Josh was five when they made me start dialysis. I didn't handle it well. Dialysis was brutal. Cramping, vomiting, passing out then driving home to make Josh dinner, bathe him, teach him, love him. If that boy wasn't home waiting for me, I would have driven into a brick wall. Joe took care of everything. Everything. Did I tell you he is a saint?

In 2005, my mom was able to give me a kidney and I never went back to the dialysis center. She gave me life, twice. Please sign the organ donor line on your driver's license.

more pregnancy stuff

It turned out that infection had left me with 30% kidney function but since you can live with only 10%, nobody knew until the pregnancy started taxing what function I had. I was put on a special diet, meds and bed rest. The last couple of months, I was at the OB-GYN office daily hooked up to the fetal moniter. At 30 something weeks they started poking into my amniotic fluid weekly to check if the baby's lungs could handle air. As soon as they could, labor was induced.
My beloved doc was away on holiday so his not so beloved colleague was in charge of the delivery. She's a highly respected doctor in her own right. It doesn't matter; I hate her. After 20 hours of induced labor, she finally said to hell with it and blew her low c-section stats and ordered one. They very nearly lost me on the table. It doesn't matter. When I woke up, I was handed the most beautiful baby in the world. He looked just like me.

moving ahead

For the next two years I had one mission. I was going to have a baby. I found the best high risk obstetrician and he sent me to a reknowned fertility specialist. There was more loss and months of single-minded agony but finally, Joe's most strongest superest sperm found my one goodest greatest egg and we conceived Joshua. Of course, this wasn't any lala happy, glowing pregnancy.
I loved my obstetrician. He was a machine. He knew every fact in my file without ever looking at it twice. He was on top of every movement my body made. Immediately, he saw there was a problem with my kidneys. "Have you ever had a kidney problem?"
"Well, I had a strep infection when I was twelve. It travelled to my kidneys. I almost died, but I've been fine since then..."
"You've gotta get to a nephrologist, now." He sent me to the head of the department at the hospital that same day.

America's First Woman President

This is sad, so skip it if you don't want to cry. I felt like the first woman ever to be with child. My father had died the year before and I believed this impossible baby was his gift. Birds sang to me, colors were brighter, the wind was perfumed. I read all the books and parenting magazines. I was going to do everything perfectly. Around week 20, a sonogram showed us our baby girl,Hayley. The next day, I had her ballet school picked out and started looking at colleges...My daughter would have the perfect childhood. I would do exactly the opposite of what my parents did.

At seven months, I went into labor. I delivered Hayley and held her for a few minutes. She looked just like me. She was very sick and she died. I buried her with my dad. I cursed the selfish bastard for taking her back. I loved them both so much.

back to background stuff

Between the two of us, we had nothing when we got married. We lucked into a small house, renting with an option to buy. Part of our rent was put into an escrow account to be used as a down payment after two years. Voila! We were homeowners. I had a job managing a travel agency. The money was good, the perks were fantastic. Joe became what he was born to be, a NYC firefighter. He worked on the side in a construction union. We had plenty of love, enough money, a beautiful home and so much fun.
It was a fabulously long honeymoon. Because of childhood issues, I didn't think I could get pregnant so I told everybody I didn't want kids. I told Joe early on I had always felt that someday I would adopt a child. It was a feeling I'd had since I was a little girl. But,that was in some distant future.

Then, after six years of marriage, we discovered I was pregnant.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Some More Signs...

Yesterday, my mom saw a sign that said "Tanya the Tailor". The birthmother's name is Tanya. My mom's father was a tailor and one of my favorite people that ever lived. I found out the birthmother has an older brother Joe and a younger brother Joshua. My husband's name is Joe and our son is Joshua.

My friend Stef is trying to keep me grounded. All three of her kids were adopted. She's been through this many times. She tells me I should be excited but the baby is not mine until I bring her home. In my head, I know that. In my heart, she's mine.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

and the husband...

I met my husband at a Halloween Party 23 years ago. I was a really tipsy vampire in a black pegnoir, stockings and boots and he was standing against the wall in a diaper with a bottle of beer in his hand. I was smitten.
He's a saint. I can't imagine being alive without him.

More of that...

I graduated high school on Long Island in 19somethingsomething and went out to Arizona with a Volkswagon Bug and $1000.00 with the idea of getting a place, getting a job and taking some classes at the University. I was a teenager with no discipline, no direction and no funds. Science excited me so I set up a quasi-pre-med schedule, got a job waitressing and found a place to crash. Classes were a some time diversion. Partying and paying the rent were the order of the day. I landed back on Long Island two years later without my degree, started taking some classes here, got a job waitressing and met my husband.

Growing Up

You're gonna have to know me a bit to care about any of this so I'm going to tell you some stuff. My profile says I was raised by wolves. I wasn't really that lucky. I'm not going to turn this into a waaaah-woe-is-me fest so if anyone wants details, let me know. My childhood was ugly.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. Kahlil Gibran

There's one detail that matters now. I had a kidney infection when I was 12 and it resulted in my needing a kidney transplant in 2005. I'll tell you a little more about that later.

more signs...

Ok, so I'm just spewing a bit while I figure out the techy side of this blogging thing...I was telling you about these signs I've been having. I think they're telling me and mine that we're going to have a new baby. Monday, I called my friend Stef to whine about this minor surgery I'm having at the end of the month. I cried in her ear for a half hour. A few hours later I called to tell the adoption agency just called me and there may be a baby coming. She blurted, "I knew it. I wanted to tell you when you were crying to me...Yeah, yeah, but you have great news coming..." She had this feeling all the while during our earlier conversation. Then I called Pattiann. Last summer my mom had told Pattiann to put 2 yr. old Amanda's absolutely stunning watermelon bikini away for our baby. When I told her the agency called she said, "I just found that bathing suit a few days ago. I thought it was gone. I found it and I knew a baby was coming for you!" That same day, my mom told me she had a dream about the bathing suit a few days before......My past has taught me to be cautious and ready for disaster, but with this I feel so positive it's utterly scary and exciting, like the insane rollercoaster rides my son talks me into...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

June 16

I've been having a strange feeling since the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend. Since having my son, I'm real comfortable with boys but girls kind of look at me like maybe I'll bite. But, Sunday at the beach, baby Malana was all over me the entire day. She crawled over me, kissed me, gave me stuff and made me promise to wait on the sand castle till she had a fresh diaper. It was weird but I thought, hmmm, maybe this is some kind of sign. But, I don't believe in signs. I laugh at people who believe in signs. We filed with an adoption agency in hope of adding to our family about a year and a half ago. I don't really think about it unless someone asks me if I've heard anything. I say, "I'm in no rush. Right now, every thing's great. Once I get a call, I know I'll be a mess." This beach date with Malana gave me pause...
Since then, I feel like I am being surrounded by little girls. All of a sudden they are every where, like an aura. I was at my sister-in-laws and her friend who in the past has barely looked at me, decided to hand me the six-month old in her arms and say 'Here, hold her."
The next day, I broke open an egg while I was baking and there were two yolks in it! I never saw that before. And, I felt it meant something big was happening in my universe. I think these are signs...and there are more. I'll tell you later...

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