Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Yes, contact!

She was sleeping when I called Monday and working when I called Tuesday. I talked to her today. It was a little awkward at first but then it was as if the gates had opened. She told me all about her family, her children, her ex, the birthfather, her friends, her feelings. It was amazing. She's so open and smart and strong. She reminds me of me. We'll be talking a lot.

I'm thinking I'm going to fly out to see her at the end of July.


For the past two nights, I've tried calling the birthmother a couple of times. There's been no answer. Maybe she's out. I don't know if it's a cell phone or a home phone. Maybe she's sleeping. I know she's exhausted with the pregnancy and life with three little ones. I'm trying not to jump to any conclusions. I could drive myself crazier.

Monday, June 28, 2010

it's on

This morning I called the agency and accepted the case. I'm thrilled and crazed and I don't know what to do with myself. They gave me the birthmother's phone number and said I could call her this evening. I'm really nervous. I don't want to sound nervous over the phone. I'm sure she is too. I know she is sad. I wish I could talk to her face to face and give her a hug and hold her hand through the rest of this. She has other children by a different father. Her youngest is not even a year old. I've seen a picture of her with them. They all look happy and loved. I cannot imagine how difficult this must be for her. She wants the best for this baby. I am in awe of this woman.

Saturday, June 26, 2010

more on that...

There were a bunch of numbers and a short note. The sonogram was done late in the pregnancy. They are usually done at 20 weeks; this was done at 30. The note says the fetus is large for gestational age and there is concern of threatened labor. I ran over to my neighbor's and faxed it to my Ob-Gyn hoping she might still be in the office. While I was there I looked up threatened labor and found it to be a generic term meaning that for various reasons the baby may be delivered pre-term.

My cell phone rang while I was still at Stef's at 3:43. It was my doctor. She saw nothing alarming on the sonogram. The most concerning measurements are in the normal range. The threatened labor is probably related to the birthmother's stress. I do not know how to thank my doctor. I am committing to this adoption plan. We're expecting a baby girl in September.

the sonogram

I got a phone call from the woman at the agency at 1 o'clock yesterday telling me they received the sonogram records and would have them in my email file by the end of the day. I asked her if she read it, if she could tell me anything. She started rambling. I heard the words "very large", "---- says she's seen this before", "in all her years at the agency doesn't think it's a problem", "I'm not a doctor, so I really can't say", "you should take it to your doctor", "we need a commitment by Tuesday".

I was not reassured. I asked her to try to get me the sonogram as soon as she could because my doctor's office closes at 3. She said she would ask the person who sends them. At 3:00, I got the email.

Thursday, June 24, 2010

the dreaded AFP test...

Between 15 and 17 weeks, a pregnant woman gets a blood test to screen for certain birth defects. The numbers thrown at you are mind-numbing. The test itself has at most 80% accuracy in its statistical results. The very limited medical records I received yesterday showed that my birthmother has a 1:200 chance of delivering a baby with Down's Syndrome. I stare at this number and my mind goes blank.

I took the whole thing over to my OB-GYN's office. She was not concerned with the number. She says there are many false positives in normal pregnancies and plenty of normal screens in abnormal pregnancies. She told me to get the sonogram records. The woman at the adoption agency who handles this was out with a family emergency. Lalalala.

Tuesday, June 22, 2010

It's been a week since I first heard from the adoption agency. I don't know any more than I knew then. My brain is leaking out of my ears. They're going to email me some medical info on the birthmother's pre-natal care any day now.

Sunday, June 20, 2010

getting healthy

Let's get up to speed. Recovery from a kidney transplant takes a good six months. I came home with about 60 metal staples in the shape of a shark bite on my belly. There were loads of meds. I'll need to take serious immuno-suppressants forever. Who cares? No dialysis! Woo! I healed. I still felt like crap. After all those toxic years, I was in really bad shape. I'd started eating mostly organic with my first pregnancy. Now, without all these dietary and physical restrictions, I focus on nutrition and keeping my butt in shape.

When I was so sick for all those years, I pretty much gave up the idea of ever having a second child so I told everybody I only wanted one. They had to give me a partial hysterectomy after Josh was born because another pregnancy was not an option and I didn't think I'd ever be healthy enough to be eligible to adopt. I am now. You are up to speed.

new mommy new kidney

I had just crazy love for this child. My kidney function bounced back for a while after his birth. Then, it slowly began to deteriorate. Josh was five when they made me start dialysis. I didn't handle it well. Dialysis was brutal. Cramping, vomiting, passing out then driving home to make Josh dinner, bathe him, teach him, love him. If that boy wasn't home waiting for me, I would have driven into a brick wall. Joe took care of everything. Everything. Did I tell you he is a saint?

In 2005, my mom was able to give me a kidney and I never went back to the dialysis center. She gave me life, twice. Please sign the organ donor line on your driver's license.

more pregnancy stuff

It turned out that infection had left me with 30% kidney function but since you can live with only 10%, nobody knew until the pregnancy started taxing what function I had. I was put on a special diet, meds and bed rest. The last couple of months, I was at the OB-GYN office daily hooked up to the fetal moniter. At 30 something weeks they started poking into my amniotic fluid weekly to check if the baby's lungs could handle air. As soon as they could, labor was induced.
My beloved doc was away on holiday so his not so beloved colleague was in charge of the delivery. She's a highly respected doctor in her own right. It doesn't matter; I hate her. After 20 hours of induced labor, she finally said to hell with it and blew her low c-section stats and ordered one. They very nearly lost me on the table. It doesn't matter. When I woke up, I was handed the most beautiful baby in the world. He looked just like me.

moving ahead

For the next two years I had one mission. I was going to have a baby. I found the best high risk obstetrician and he sent me to a reknowned fertility specialist. There was more loss and months of single-minded agony but finally, Joe's most strongest superest sperm found my one goodest greatest egg and we conceived Joshua. Of course, this wasn't any lala happy, glowing pregnancy.
I loved my obstetrician. He was a machine. He knew every fact in my file without ever looking at it twice. He was on top of every movement my body made. Immediately, he saw there was a problem with my kidneys. "Have you ever had a kidney problem?"
"Well, I had a strep infection when I was twelve. It travelled to my kidneys. I almost died, but I've been fine since then..."
"You've gotta get to a nephrologist, now." He sent me to the head of the department at the hospital that same day.

America's First Woman President

This is sad, so skip it if you don't want to cry. I felt like the first woman ever to be with child. My father had died the year before and I believed this impossible baby was his gift. Birds sang to me, colors were brighter, the wind was perfumed. I read all the books and parenting magazines. I was going to do everything perfectly. Around week 20, a sonogram showed us our baby girl,Hayley. The next day, I had her ballet school picked out and started looking at colleges...My daughter would have the perfect childhood. I would do exactly the opposite of what my parents did.

At seven months, I went into labor. I delivered Hayley and held her for a few minutes. She looked just like me. She was very sick and she died. I buried her with my dad. I cursed the selfish bastard for taking her back. I loved them both so much.

back to background stuff

Between the two of us, we had nothing when we got married. We lucked into a small house, renting with an option to buy. Part of our rent was put into an escrow account to be used as a down payment after two years. Voila! We were homeowners. I had a job managing a travel agency. The money was good, the perks were fantastic. Joe became what he was born to be, a NYC firefighter. He worked on the side in a construction union. We had plenty of love, enough money, a beautiful home and so much fun.
It was a fabulously long honeymoon. Because of childhood issues, I didn't think I could get pregnant so I told everybody I didn't want kids. I told Joe early on I had always felt that someday I would adopt a child. It was a feeling I'd had since I was a little girl. But,that was in some distant future.

Then, after six years of marriage, we discovered I was pregnant.

Friday, June 18, 2010

Some More Signs...

Yesterday, my mom saw a sign that said "Tanya the Tailor". The birthmother's name is Tanya. My mom's father was a tailor and one of my favorite people that ever lived. I found out the birthmother has an older brother Joe and a younger brother Joshua. My husband's name is Joe and our son is Joshua.

My friend Stef is trying to keep me grounded. All three of her kids were adopted. She's been through this many times. She tells me I should be excited but the baby is not mine until I bring her home. In my head, I know that. In my heart, she's mine.

Thursday, June 17, 2010

and the husband...

I met my husband at a Halloween Party 23 years ago. I was a really tipsy vampire in a black pegnoir, stockings and boots and he was standing against the wall in a diaper with a bottle of beer in his hand. I was smitten.
He's a saint. I can't imagine being alive without him.

More of that...

I graduated high school on Long Island in 19somethingsomething and went out to Arizona with a Volkswagon Bug and $1000.00 with the idea of getting a place, getting a job and taking some classes at the University. I was a teenager with no discipline, no direction and no funds. Science excited me so I set up a quasi-pre-med schedule, got a job waitressing and found a place to crash. Classes were a some time diversion. Partying and paying the rent were the order of the day. I landed back on Long Island two years later without my degree, started taking some classes here, got a job waitressing and met my husband.

Growing Up

You're gonna have to know me a bit to care about any of this so I'm going to tell you some stuff. My profile says I was raised by wolves. I wasn't really that lucky. I'm not going to turn this into a waaaah-woe-is-me fest so if anyone wants details, let me know. My childhood was ugly.

Out of suffering have emerged the strongest souls; the most massive characters are seared with scars. Kahlil Gibran

There's one detail that matters now. I had a kidney infection when I was 12 and it resulted in my needing a kidney transplant in 2005. I'll tell you a little more about that later.

more signs...

Ok, so I'm just spewing a bit while I figure out the techy side of this blogging thing...I was telling you about these signs I've been having. I think they're telling me and mine that we're going to have a new baby. Monday, I called my friend Stef to whine about this minor surgery I'm having at the end of the month. I cried in her ear for a half hour. A few hours later I called to tell the adoption agency just called me and there may be a baby coming. She blurted, "I knew it. I wanted to tell you when you were crying to me...Yeah, yeah, but you have great news coming..." She had this feeling all the while during our earlier conversation. Then I called Pattiann. Last summer my mom had told Pattiann to put 2 yr. old Amanda's absolutely stunning watermelon bikini away for our baby. When I told her the agency called she said, "I just found that bathing suit a few days ago. I thought it was gone. I found it and I knew a baby was coming for you!" That same day, my mom told me she had a dream about the bathing suit a few days before......My past has taught me to be cautious and ready for disaster, but with this I feel so positive it's utterly scary and exciting, like the insane rollercoaster rides my son talks me into...

Wednesday, June 16, 2010

June 16

I've been having a strange feeling since the Sunday of Memorial Day weekend. Since having my son, I'm real comfortable with boys but girls kind of look at me like maybe I'll bite. But, Sunday at the beach, baby Malana was all over me the entire day. She crawled over me, kissed me, gave me stuff and made me promise to wait on the sand castle till she had a fresh diaper. It was weird but I thought, hmmm, maybe this is some kind of sign. But, I don't believe in signs. I laugh at people who believe in signs. We filed with an adoption agency in hope of adding to our family about a year and a half ago. I don't really think about it unless someone asks me if I've heard anything. I say, "I'm in no rush. Right now, every thing's great. Once I get a call, I know I'll be a mess." This beach date with Malana gave me pause...
Since then, I feel like I am being surrounded by little girls. All of a sudden they are every where, like an aura. I was at my sister-in-laws and her friend who in the past has barely looked at me, decided to hand me the six-month old in her arms and say 'Here, hold her."
The next day, I broke open an egg while I was baking and there were two yolks in it! I never saw that before. And, I felt it meant something big was happening in my universe. I think these are signs...and there are more. I'll tell you later...

Privacy Policy

Privacy Policy

We take your privacy seriously. This policy describes what personal information we collect and how we use it.
Routine Information Collection

All web servers track basic information about their visitors. This information includes, but is not limited to, IP addresses, browser details, timestamps and referring pages. None of this information can personally identify specific visitors to this site. The information is tracked for routine administration and maintenance purposes, and lets me know what pages and information are useful and helpful to visitors.

Cookies and Web Beacons

Where necessary, this site uses cookies to store information about a visitor's preferences and history in order to better serve the visitor and/or present the visitor with customized content.

Advertising partners and other third parties may also use cookies, scripts and/or web beacons to track visitors to our site in order to display advertisements and other useful information. Such tracking is done directly by the third parties through their own servers and is subject to their own privacy policies.

Controlling Your Privacy

Note that you can change your browser settings to disable cookies if you have privacy concerns. Disabling cookies for all sites is not recommended as it may interfere with your use of some sites. The best option is to disable or enable cookies on a per-site basis. Consult your browser documentation for instructions on how to block cookies and other tracking mechanisms.

Special Note About Google Advertising

Any advertisements served by Google, Inc., and affiliated companies may be controlled using cookies. These cookies allow Google to display ads based on your visits to this site and other sites that use Google advertising services. Learn how to opt out of Google's cookie usage. As mentioned above, any tracking done by Google through cookies and other mechanisms is subject to Google's own privacy policies.

About Google advertising: What is the DoubleClick DART cookie? The DoubleClick DART cookie is used by Google in the ads served on publisher websites displaying AdSense for content ads. When users visit an AdSense publisher’s website and either view or click on an ad, a cookie may be dropped on that end user’s browser. The data gathered from these cookies will be used to help AdSense publishers better serve and manage the ads on their site(s) and across the web. Users may opt out of the use of the DART cookie by visiting the Google ad and content network privacy policy.

Contact Information

Concerns or questions about this privacy policy can be directed to the author for further clarification.