Three More Days...

This time tomorrow, my husband and I should be fairly settled into our hotel room in San Antonio, Texas. If all goes well, I will meet my daughter two days after that. What an amazing gift!

drumroll please!!!

Well, the birthmother went to the doctor today. She's very tired and uncomfortable and she feels like she's sitting on the baby. She was checked and, sure enough, that baby is getting ready to meet us! They have scheduled the c-section for December 16th. I've been jumping off the walls, dancing, making reservations and plans and trying not to miss any details...

Excited

Ok. This month is flyingggggg! I know it's not over till she's home with us but I'm getting really excited. The second coat of paint is going on the walls today. I took the pillows off Josh's old glider. They're being recovered and I just finished spray painting that. It's going to look brilliant! I had a dream 2 nights ago. I was in a room holding my newborn baby girl and I could read her thoughts. She was sweet and peaceful and full of love.

long time no see...

It's been a while since I posted. I've been on a major learning quest. A major theme in adoption is the importance of privacy in the telling of details of the adoption story. Children should not be required to give a reason for their existence in a family upon meeting friends, family or strangers. Yet, it is common for people to ask, right in front of the child, questions about these most intimate details of her life.

Anyway, so far, October has been the longest month of my life. I expect November will last about two years. I have the patience of a flea.

Preparing

Remember, I was raised by wolves. So, when I was pregnant with Josh, I read everything I could get my hands on about infancy, childhood and parenting. I still do. But, I need to know more for the new baby.

Today, I went to the library and picked up three books related to transracial adoption. When I'm through these, I'll get more. And, I've found some fantastic blogs. I need to empower myself and my famiy. I will deal with prejudice and ignorance in a way that teaches and doesn't attack.

contact!

I spoke to the birthmother last night. She was warm and receptive and smart and confident. The conversation was a little awkward. This isn't a familiar social script. She seems sure of her decision. She placed another child for adoption last August. She's been through this before and knows this is her only responsible option.

Ommmm

The commitment paper is signed and sent. I'm going into this case with a totally different outlook. The blinders were ripped off my eyes and I'm questioning everything. I'm hypervigilant and untrusting. Of course, when I talk to the birthmother, I'll be sweet and understanding...

I need to stay positive. I know myself. I'll soften. Already, when I drop my guard for a second, I get so excited I dance around and laugh and dream of being with our new baby.

Here We Go Again

It's been a while. I was contacted by the agency this week with a new case. I don't have much information about the birthmother or the pre-natal medical records. Her obstetrician wrote "0 concerns at this point", on his report...That's pretty much all I have.

I've got to take this case on faith. The baby is due December 23rd. In Texas, the birthmother must wait 48 hours before she's allowed to sign the adoption papers. That would make the baby mine on Christmas Day.

It's a girl.

I'm ok

This setback threw me off my game for a few days. I went to see my Rabbi yesterday. It really helped. I left him with a "Shalom" and he told me he would say prayers for my family and the baby that will eventually become part of it. By the time I got home, I felt the first real peace I've felt all week.

I'm going to visit friends this weekend to celebrate a fantastic little girl's 9th birthday. I know there will be a bunch of "I'm sorrys". Fine. Let's just get them out of the way and have some fun. I just want to relax and show every one I've moved on, especially myself.

done

Through the agency, ----- asked that I call her this morning. I guess she needed closure.

"I wish you the best. I can't say I think you're making the right decision but it's your choice. I'm very upset and surprised. You were so clear about this adoption and what was best for all. This is what other people want you to do. (Birthfather) will be in boot camp on the 16th. He's gone. You're on your own. It's going to be very, very hard. Take care of your children and take care of yourself. I need to move on. My daughter is still out there somewhere waiting for me to bring her home. Good luck."

Nothing in my life has been easy. But, the rewards have been proportionate to my struggles. I will have an amazing daughter.

My Son

I heard him get up this morning and called him into my bed.

Me: I have some bad news. ---- is keeping the baby.
Him: Really? Wow. Why?
Me: Well, the birthfather showed up and her family is pressuring her and they're all telling her they will help her. She's making a really bad decision but it's her choice. We'll start over. How do you feel?
Him: Well, I'm sad I guess. I really wanted a baby sister.
Me: We're going to get a baby, just not this one. Do you want to cry?
Him: No, I'm fine, mom.
Me: Are you sure? It's ok to cry, my love. I was crying a lot last night.
Him: I'm fiiine, Mom.
Me: How do you feel?
Him: I'm fine.
Me: I mean are you tired?
Him: Yeah, I'm a little tired.
Me: Are you ready for camp today.
Him: Yes, I'm fine.
Me: Ok. I love you.
Him: I love you, too.

On the way to camp, I told him about the baby's condition. "You know we really wanted a healthy baby. Maybe ----- is doing us a favor. Next!"
Him: Yeah, next!

how it went down...

The baby was born early Monday, 12:30a.m. at 33 weeks. She is on a feeding tube, i.v. and oxygen. Her lungs aren't ready and she hasn't developed the sucking reflex necessary to eat by herself.

The birthfather showed up as well as -----'s sister. He says he will fight the adoption and he wants her to keep the baby. He hates her other kid's father and thinks if she can keep them she should keep his. He's 21 and supposed to enter the military. While they were together, he cheated on her 3 times that she knows of.

Her sister has 8 kids. Eight. She said, "You can do this." She lives hundreds of miles away with a husband in California. ----'s father, who wrote her off when she got pregnant because he didn't like the boyfriend, has nothing, is diabetic, blind, in kidney failure and living with his son. He cried and told ----- he would help her with this baby...

My Husband

Him: I know. I feel bad too.
Me: Oh, do you? Do you? Are you ok? Do you feel like me?
Him: No, not like you. I'm ok. I just want you to be happy.
Me: Are you sure? You're ok.
Him: I'm ok. I'm really ok.

A Rough Night

She decided not to place the baby for adoption. She can't take care of the three she has now. She's made a really bad choice.

There will be another baby for me.

A tad stressed...

The birthmother is now 34 weeks, 3 days pregnant and 3 cm dilated. Hubby's cleared the walls in the soon to be nursery. They need to be treated, primed, painted and finished with chair, ceiling and floor moldings. He ripped up the old floor and needs to lay down a new one. I still have Josh's crib and dresser/changing table. When I come home with the baby, I'll pick curtains and a crib set.

My mom has always been superstitious about new babies. She passed it on to me. We don't bring things in for the baby until she's here. I understand but, I'm feeling so unprepared.

to my friends and family

My daughter will learn her birth story from me, my husband, and her brother. She will know that you all shared my journey and anticipated her arrival with love and joy.

When she becomes verbal, she may share some feelings about her adoption with those of you she is close to. Listen to her; don't add to her story. If she has questions, you need to tell her, "I'm not sure, you should ask Mom or Dad."

stuff

I called the birthmother today to see how she's feeling. She answered the second time. She sounded great. "I feel good. I'm steam cleaning my carpet. My neighbor rented one and said I could use it."

I wish she'd rest. I don't tell her that, though. She has a doctor's appointment Thursday. I asked her to let me know what he says. She told me she's going to the agency Thursday, too. They'll email me copies of the 3-D sonogram. She said one of the pictures looks just like a baby portrait.

deep breaths...

While I was at the Rush concert Saturday night, the birthmother called twice and left a text message asking me to please call her. I didn't get the calls or see the message till Sunday. They were from a different phone number. I tried calling her and got a machine with a man's voice. I felt sick.

My mom and I went to Babies R Us to look at stuff. Before we went in, I called again; she answered. She had gone in a pool with her phone in her pocket while out with her kids. She's tired and her legs are very sore. She runs low on potassium. The doctor had given her some last month. She said she'd have a banana.

I'm not buying anything until she signs the papers. In Texas, this is 48 hours after the birth. My mom bought one thing, though...a tiny nightgown with matching socks and hat for the baby to wear on the flight home. It's white with red x's and o's on it. It's so soft.

be prepared

At 29 weeks gestation, my birthmother's obstetrician told her she was 2.5 cm dilated and her membrane was thinning. He gave her a steroid shot to boost the baby's lung development. Because she's giving birth less than 18 months after a previous delivery, she's high risk for premature labor. She's now 33 weeks pregnant. Human gestation is 40 weeks but after 37 a newborn is not considered premature.

Tuesday...saying goodbye for now

At noon, Josh and I checked out and headed to the agency to meet everybody there. It was wonderful. We chatted till about 1:30, then the owner gave me directions to a great Mexican restaurant downtown in the barrio.

We returned the car at 3. I texted the birthmother. "We're just getting to the airport. Miss you already. Wish I could stay another month but too much to be done at home. Talk to you soon."

Our flight left at 5. We had a 45 minute layover in Atlanta and had to hop on a tram to get to a different terminal. We hadn't eaten in about six hours so we grabbed sandwiches and ran to the gate as boarding was starting. Josh was thrilled to see a TV in the seat back in front of him and watched The Wolfman on the way home while I played some in-flight trivia games.

Joe met us at the airport. It was after 1 by the time we got home. It's great to be home. It was a fantastic trip.